My New Year's Resolutions

I've just decided I’m not going to make any New Year’s resolutions this year. It’s January 2 already and I haven’t made any and I’m still alive and still functioning. So I don’t think they are necessary to make me a worthwhile person. Besides I’ll eliminate 9 days of my life of being sore or smiling at strangers or reading the dictionary.

Like most people I make the same resolutions every year. Lose weight, be a nicer person, strengthen my spiritual life or improve my vocabulary. They may be worded differently–exercise, watch what I eat, or live a healthier lifestyle–but they are the same.

And for nine days I try to fulfill them. My brother, whose birthday is January 4, always receives a birthday card because it comes so early in the year. His wife; who is the one who buys the card my brother sends me, addresses it and puts it in the mail; usually doesn’t get a card because hers is April 27 and by then I’ve given up the pretense of being a nicer person.

I exercise and write down everything I eat for six days until I find the bag of chocolates I bought for Christmas and lost and devour it in one evening. Besides after four days I still have that roll around my stomach, so what good is exercising?

I’m not going to dust off the bible and plow through the "begats" or rattle the rosary beads at 4 AM when I can’t sleep. I'll not carry a notebook to jot down any words I run across that I don't know the meaning of and then say to Monte, "I'm so glad I didn't make a resolution to exercise more this year and so I don't have to worry about hidrosis."

Yep. I’m going to admit from day two of 2009 I’m weak and have no self-discipline. This year I’m not going to beat myself up because I didn’t follow through on my resolutions. And besides if I see that you are a nice, holier, thinner person with a great vocabulary the next time I run into you, I can always start a new self-improvement program on January 26, the start of the Chinese New Year.